I shut down. It's like running out of battery. Whenever I get home I just pour myself into bed and crash out. I don't like to show my bad moods, I prefer to just either act like nothing is wrong at all or just act completely neutral, which takes a lot of energy I guess, because I always feel really tired after a day of that.

I get criticized a lot for my tendency to throw away the past in order to embrace the future, but I'm beginning to wonder if it isn't one of my better qualities. When I think about the past, I'm overwhelmed by the knowledge that there's absolutely nothing I can do to change it. I feel suffocated and stifled when I do something a certain way simply because "that's the way it's always been done", and I hate the way I feel when I don't explore all the possibilities in something. But when I think about the future I see infinite possibilities, I see options and I know that I can make changes there still.

I'm living in a new era where traditions, norms, mores and core values are all changing. The past week or so, I've been thinking a lot about things that make me uncomfortable and then wondering why they make me feel that way. Overt sexuality, for example, has always made me feel awkward, even clumsy. In the presence of openly sexual people I lose about 20 IQ points, blush and stammer. But why? Isn't sex a basic human need that we all instinctively understand? And it's not like I see gays or bisexuals as any different from me - I'm friends with people of all orientations and love them all just the same. Really, sex is only a genetic imperative. Therefore, it's illogical for anything amounting from human sexuality to be wrong or bad. Right?

Another thing that's always made me uncomfortable is being close to someone emotionally, which makes no sense because emotional comfort and sense of well being are also basic human needs. I don't know why, but anytime someone's gotten too close, I felt the need to keep them firmly at arm's length. I always said that it was because I've been hurt too many times, and I don't want it to happen again...but aren't I getting a little old for that? And really, that can't be true; I've never been hurt badly enough by someone that I never recovered. Nobody has ever damaged me irreparably. So what about being emotional scares me so much? What if my natural emotional pall destroys something wonderful? I don't want to regret pushing someone away that could turn out to be my one great love. Wouldn't that be awful?

I realized that for a long time I've been treating other living, breathing human beings like automatons with no feelings or individual spirit. I even treated myself that way. Because of that, I tended to sort things I encountered in my daily life into "right" or "wrong". So I guess tonight I learned some things without stepping foot into a classroom.

There is no one true way.

I think I may have a disease?

Your Mind is Purple Of all the mind types, yours is the most idealistic.
You tend to think wild, amazing thoughts. Your dreams and fantasies are intense.
Your thoughts are creative, inventive, and without boundaries.

You tend to spend a lot of time thinking of fictional people and places - or a very different life for yourself.

Your Aura is Violet Idealistic and thoughtful, you have the mind and ideas to change the world.
And you have the charisma of a great leader, even if you don't always use it!

The purpose of your life: saying truths that other people dare not say

Famous purples include: Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Susan B. Anthony

Careers for you to try: Political Activist, Inventor, Life Coach

Your Power Color Is Lime Green At Your Highest:
You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary.

At Your Lowest:
You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in.

In Love:
You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated.

How You're Attractive:
Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room.

Your Eternal Question:
"What else do I need in my life?"

Your Heart Is Green Love completes you, but that doesn't mean you seek it out.
When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life.

Your flirting style: Laid back

Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking

Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm

What you bring to relationships: Balance

You Act Like You Are 26 Years Old You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel like an adult, and you're optimistic about life.
You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

You're still figuring out your place in the world and how you want your life to shape up.
The world is full of possibilities, and you can't wait to explore many of them.
(This is probably a very inaccurate measure of my maturity, but I still find it funny. xD)



You Are Chocolate Caramel Kiss Lip Gloss Saying that you're one of a kind is ... well ... an understatement.
You're unusual, quirky, wacky - and you love to challenge people.

And you are a total trendsetter. Your friends are quick to copy your fashion and music tastes.
Which is why chocolate caramel is your perfect flavor. It's as rare and outrageous as you are.

Trust. I trust only two people on this whole earth, and they know who they are. I don't feel that I can trust anyone, because every person I've ever trusted has disappointed me, often painfully. I rarely believe what people say anymore, because I feel like they're just trying to get something from me. 

It's summer time for me now! Whoo!

Just finished my econ exam. :D Two down, one to go. I'm not worried about geology though...it's a REALLY easy class, and all of the tests have been really easy. I probably could have still gotten a B in the class if I never showed up. o.o Anyway, I got my econ paper back right after I took my test. ^^ I got a B+, which isn't all that bad. It's not an A, but I forgot to address interest rates like he asked. I got unemployment, technology, trade and green issues, but compleeeeetely forgot interest rates. Whoo, go me! Still, it was a huge percentage of my grade, so I'm happy with a B+. It's almost an A, right? ^___________^

So I was just witnessed something embarrassing and odd. Several officials were walking past me and two other students, we were working on the computers. One of the officials was describing something that happened to him several nights before in which a student walked up to him, told him "you should be ashamed of yourself", and then apparently the mystery student just walked off without saying anything else or doing anything. One of the students sitting here then stood up and started yelling at the official about how he's making such and such a department fire disabled students because "they can't afford them". She claims to have slept under a bush all winter because they fired her from her job and was just giving it to this guy mercilessly when he asks "Who do you think I am?" One of the officials walking with him, a woman, approached the woman and gently informed her that she must have mistaken the man for someone else (as well as the previously described mystery student, I assume) because he wasn't involved in any of that because he's from a completely different department. Oddly enough, he still apologized to her and told her that her situation is unfortunate and that he's sorry that it happened to her. I felt really weird sitting here trying to type about my exams and study my geology notes with her standing right next to me shouting at someone. o.o I was worried I might have to stop her if she got physical because she looked close there for a moment.

Anyways, I was just thinking, I miss Shawna very much. :( I haven't seen her since Friday night, and now that she's back in town I want to spend a lot more time with her. But summer's officially and unequivocally here in two and a half hours! So hopefully I'll get to spend a lot of time with her in the coming months. Once my dad leaves (he's trying to decide between moving to Deming, or moving to Oklahoma. I personally don't care, as long as he's gone), I'll have pretty much all the freedom I could ask for. So once my Honda moves again, I'll probably spend all my time with her. And that boy I'm so crazymadinsane about. <(^__^)><3

Insomnia is a CURSE I tell you.

You Are a Banana You are mellow, easy going, and a total softie on the inside.
People find it really easy to get along with you. You suit most tastes.

And while you're very sweet, you're not boring or ordinary.
You have an attraction to the exotic, and you could show up anywhere... doing almost anything!

You are spirited, energetic, and a total kick to be around.
You're also quite funny. Your sense of humor is on the goofy side, and it fits you well.
(Aw, that's CUTE!)

You Are Big Black Boots! You can be best described as: attitude
You've got lots of it - and you love to give it
A guy has to be pretty gusty to hit on you
But if he's your type, you'll warm up... a little
(It's so true. O.O)

You Are Impressionism You think the world is quite beautiful, especially if you look at it in new and interesting ways.
You tend to focus on color and movement in art.
For you, seeing the big picture is much more important than recording every little detail.
You can find inspiration anywhere... especially from nature.

Your Fragrance Profile The best calming fragrance: jasmine
The best fragrance for everyday wear: sandalwood
The best fragrance to boost your sex appeal: rose
The best fragrance for energy: peppermint
(Not sure why I took this quiz. O.o! It's random. Although, oddly I do like all those scents.)

You Are an Intense Kisser When you kiss, it's deep and powerful

You don't take kissing lightly

Your kisses always have meaning

And they always make your head spin
(Truth? I don't know. O.o)

You Are a White Wine Woman Breezy and casual, you know how to have fun when you're drinking.
And even though you can kick back with a few drinks, you never let things get out of hand.
Alcohol is not a social lubricant for you... it just enhances your already sparkling personality.
You prefer to date a man who is optimistic, friendly, and funny.
(Random!)

Your Personality is Very Rare (INTP) Your personality type is goofy, imaginative, relaxed, and brilliant.

Only about 4% of all people have your personality, including 2% of all women and 6% of all men
You are Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Perceiving.
(I dunno)

Well, I live in New Mexico, all of an hour from the Mexican border. Of COURSE I'm celebrating Cinco de Mayo! I may just  My crazy friends will probably grab a bottle of tequila and drag me over there for some silliness, but we all have finals tomorrow so I imagine it'll be lively but short.:P

So in this coming week I work every day except Sunday. I close Friday night, and then open Saturday morning. I think I may die. O.o So wish me luck! So yay for a crazy week coming up. I'll probably try to trade someone my saturday open shift for a mid or a close. I don't think I can do close-open. It always turns out badly for me. O.O

Really amazing. Nuff said. :D

So...my friend Shawna is taking me to a strip club tonight. O.o It's a bit outside my comfort level, but she seems really excited, and I miss her so I'm going to uh...give it a shot. xD

Maybe I'll have fun hijinks about which to write when I get home tonight.

....

If I survive. D:

What Your City Walk Means You are unique and philosophical. You have your own way of living life, and you relish your independence.

You are quite introverted and maybe even a little shy. You prefer to interact one on one with people.

Money is not important to you at all. In fact, you tend to reject material concerns.

You enjoy the world around you, and you thrive on new environments. You can be easily surrounded by natural or man made beauty.


Your Rising Sign is Scorpio You're so intense and passionate - you're on fire!
You want to be an angel or a devil... you can't decide which.

No wonder you seem moody and even a little dangerious.
You've got some major mystery going on, so work it!

Your personality is the strongest of all signs, making you hard to deal with.
While you're ruthless to your enemies, you're loyal to your one true love.

(I'm not sure what a rising sign is, but it corresponds to your sun sign and the time of day you were born, I guess. That's what it asked me for anyways. So I'm an Aquarius, with scorpio rising? SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS VOODOO TO ME!)

What Your Favorite Color Green Says About You: Balanced --- Relaxed --- Flexible
Compassionate --- Philosophical --- Humble
Loyal --- Inventive --- Unique 
(Who makes this stuff up?)

You Are 25% Left Brained, 75% Right Brained The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.
Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.
If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.
Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.
Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.
If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.
Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.
(o.O?)

Does my father's head count? Because it'd be really nice if he were, you know, not around anymore. That'd be great.

^_______________^

So I'll probably fail my economics class. My mom insisted on taking my laptop with her to Virginia, which had my econ term paper on it. So I had to email it to myself while she harassed me to hurry up and get my computer packed so she could take it across the country with her. So of course I go to open it to put the last finishing touches on it and print it and lo and behold...gibberish. No matter what I do...gibberish. It's due tomorrow, so I'm pretty much fucked. Hoorah.

I think I'll go throw myself from the Wells Fargo building roof.

Got so much to do! Thursday is my last day of school, my last finals are on that day. Crazy, right?  I get out like a week before just about everyone else in school, which is cool. Hopefully I'll get more hours at work so I won't be all "omg so bored plz kill me". Hopefully, anyways. O.o Anyways, I have math today and I had a test yesterday. Not the final, but it was SO HARD! Our final is on Tuesday, the 6th. I have a math portfolio due on Friday. That sucks! I have most of it done, but it still sucks. I have to do this thing where I describe what each section of the portfolio taught me. Um...I learned math stuff. NOT GOOD ENOUGH!! ARGH!

Anyways, yesterday was my friend Matt's 21st birthday. We drove around and played video games, which was fun. The Del Rey neighborhood is very twisty turny, so we had plenty to explore at 15 mph. :P Most of my friends live up there, so we kept passing their houses and I was like "Omg that's Ruby's house! And that's Marissa's! Whoo and that's Mitchell's!"

Great fun.

My sarcasm. =/ Sometimes I'll say something sarcastic and mean spirited without even thinking about it and then realize that whomever I was just mean to didn't deserve it. Or I'll be sarcastic to someone who completely deserves it and they get angry, which causes a scene or a fight. I'm notorious for talking back to my Dad, and he's pretty unstable lately. The habit gets worse and worse by him daily. D:

Experience #1: Graduating high school. I don't know if I was just stupid or naive, but for some reason...the first three years of high school I sort of felt like high school was the rest of my life and there was nothing else afterward. Not in the "this is the most important thing in my life" way, but in the "I forgot anything else exists way", if that makes sense. In the last few weeks of high school I realized that I needed to hold tight to the most precious people in my life, because the rest of my life was about to begin. Matt, Jerry, and Robert, my best friends. We're not in high school, but we're still tight as knit. And I'm glad.

Experience #2: Getting my job at Starbucks. I'd never had a job I'd loved before. I thought I would always be doomed to get up angry, go to work angry and go to bed angry. I mean, that's how my Dad is about his job. My mom is like that half the time. But when I get up in the morning and know I have a shift that day, I look forward to it until I get there and I usually enjoy the whole thing (except those rare eight hour crawl shifts where I'm exhausted by the end xD). I love everyone I work with to death, I even adore my boss which I thought was impossible or something! Bosses are a classic antagonist!

Experience #3 Turning 20. I'm not a teenager anymore. It's time to grow up and be an adult. I'm working on it. :P

So finals are coming up this week and next week. I don't have much study time though. :( I worked last night, I work tonight, and then I work all day tomorrow. What luck! I may drop in my traces before the semester is out. :P I'll definitely have to blow off some steam once it all dies down. Dad's leaving, finally, but Mom leaves for her business trip to Virginia tomorrow so I have to figure out how to make it work while she's gone Fun! >.<

Last Friday! Went to El Paso with Shawna, Cami and Michael. Yay!